My Deepest Sadness

I watched the deep sadness rise in my body and mind so many times... I let it show itself fully, almost every time it appeared, as it felt like it had become permanently tucked into my heavy heart. It was fucking painful. I stared at it directly, again and again, no matter how much my mind hated it and tried to deny it. If I shut it down and suppressed it, I thought I'd probably hold on to it somehow and create new blockages in my life and energy.

So I continued to look at it, and I saw more deeply into it's roots. I was exploring these intense emotions so curiously to find more truth. I didn't really know what it was leading to or what would manifest from it. Total unknown space. I had never experienced anxiety before in my life either, but I find it fascinating now, after some solid bouts.

The more I carefully watched my mind and its stories, the more I learned about myself and the broader my perspective grew, until I was eventually able to see straight through it and all around it. And that's when I found gratitude for it. Such a great appreciation for everything that created it, as well as for the feelings and emotions themselves. Finding appreciation for "negative" emotions, while you are experiencing them is actually pretty cool. I was able to embrace them a lot more. It took work and it was hard. It was uncomfortable, just as most healing is... But getting real with yourself as a human being is so damn worth it.

I believe all healing is self-healing, because only you can set yourself free.