The Danger of Knowing Too Much

We like knowing things. We like certainty and security. There is comfort in what's known, a sense of safety, and that's partly why we crave it. They say all fears root down to the fear of death - it goes deeper though, into a fear of the unknown.

The universe is ever expanding, it's depth and contents becoming more unknown in every moment, just like us. However, as we interact with people, we begin to believe we know them and hastily put them into boxes. How much room for growth, change and transformation do we usually leave in those boxes? Whatever the amount is, it's not enough - because when they step outside the box, our story gets ripped away from us, along with our sense of security... and then we're fucked. They break character from the script we wrote for them, leaving us with reactive feelings of betrayal and mistrust.

We vilify people for their unique evolution and expression. In doing so, we challenge their freedom and lose our own in the process. We say "I don't even know him anymore" or "I thought I knew you," in judgement of someone not being who we wanted them to be. It takes work to get back to love from here. Will you do the work?

We could choose freedom, openness and curiosity, for ourselves and others. The space for living freely, showing up in the world just as we are, however that looks. We could stay open to people's changes, in ways we can imagine and those we can't. We could choose to find freedom in insecurity and in uncertainty, we could choose to wonder. Understand that everyone is an explorer in their own human experience. Each person is an unpredictable mystery unfolding, just as life is full of surprises.

So, why do we crave to know? On a deeper level, we want the truth. The truth, however, is that we actually don't know much. Really... we don't know shit. Embrace THAT. You might as well, because truth only exists in the now. And even if you knew everything up until this very moment, you know nothing about the next.

Sometimes... I Forget Who I Am

I frequently live in states of clarity, joy and fullness. I appreciate the connection I have with myself and whatever the higher power is that allows this. A few deep breaths is often all it takes now to drop into feeling nice and cosy.

Sometimes though, I forget who I am. I lose my connection, my power, and start believing the stories that run through my mind. Strong desires turn into short-term stress and future deadlines kill me in the present moment. The incredible complexity of switching between two perspectives, expressed through split personalities; my mind's chaotic whirlwind of criticism and judgement, in conversation with the thoughts of my inner being, peaceful in it's knowing that all is actually perfect. I sit back and listen to the voices, sometimes sounding like "Be compassionate with yourself, you mean mutha fucka!"

This goes on and on, and probably always will. However, when you've been doing the work, there may come a point where the baseline of your entire being shifts. You've practiced peace, acceptance and contentment consistently and frequently enough that it becomes your natural state (again). Peace is then your foundation, your home. Your inner world is paradise. It's beautiful. It's also easier to remember who you are, when you've forgotten.

I could stay there, in the stillness, but I view life like a seesaw on a playground. When you get on with the other person, the seesaw is flat and still, which is a great starting place. The fun is in the movement though, as you continuously go up and down. In fact, that's the whole point of the ride, isn't it? So I'll go on, being connected and disconnected, moving up and down... it never ends. Connection, clarity and joy are not permanent, nor are they meant to be. Let's ride through it all, embrace the contrast and have a fucking great time being human.

Fake Positivity

I only remember getting angry once in about 8 years and back then, in my mid-twenties, I was proud of it.

When I was 18, I threw myself into the world of motivational seminars and big dreams. The first event I attended had hundreds of people, all charged with hopes of success and financial freedom. It felt like I was on another planet. My simple adolescent beliefs were smashed wide open that day and my world instantly expanded.

Thousands of hours of personal development CDs and books later, the message from the gurus was clear - think positively and you will win. Doing my best to follow their advice, I disregarded all negative feelings and looked at the positives in everything, to the extreme. I was basically breathing affirmations at one point. The smiling face I presented was often fake and lacked any real awareness. I'd tell people I was "good" or "fine" regardless of what was going on internally. I was a permanent people pleaser, acting as the nice guy in everywhere from 9-5 jobs to my long-term relationships, whilst being disconnected from my true self.

Years of living this way became exhausting. It took a handful of people to “see” all of me and continually nudge me towards being real in both the feeling and expression of my emotions. It wasn’t about them forcing me to change though. It was about them loving me. They were vital in helping me close the gap between my true self and the self I wanted to project to the world. I'm forever grateful for that.

In recent years, I've realised that life is essentially meaningless. It's all neutral. Only when we perceive what's in our reality is it labelled good or bad, right or wrong. And it's through our perception that we see there are positives and negatives in everything, including ourselves. That's being real. That's being human. The difference is now I want all of it. To feel, explore and embrace both sides because for so long, I was only playing half the game, living half a life. My desire to be fully human is stronger than ever and there's no turning back now.